Hey - is thing still on? I watched a movie

Despite the pandemic shutdowns, the ample opportunities to hunker down and watch the backlog of shows and movies that you'd put on your to do list since you got a shared account on Netflix from your friend, I have not watched anything new at all.

In fact, I watched old stuff, like Community, and... uh... Community.  Oh, and re-runs of Unnhhhhh on YouTube. Fun fact, I've never, ever, ever watched a single episode of RuPaul's Drag Race.... ever.

Anyway.  I watched Guy Ritchie's take on the Arthurian Legend which I otherwise like to call:
Dark Souls: The Arthurian Version (but with 75% more geezers!).

Ritchie does gritty action really well, his visuals are cool, and, when it happens, the scripting of dialogue is fun to watch play out.

Having said that, his work is already cliche and tropey after so many movies (except for U.N.C.L.E, but i'll get to that another time), where some Mad Lad with fast talking skills and a small posse of faithful, but competent other mad lads make their way in the world with panache, style and a little bit of luck.

You can almost hear the tip of the hat and the cheeky wink in that description. Good grief.

But you know what, it works.  I did roll my eyes a bit at a gritty Arthur, raised in a brothel, leader of a small gang of good natured mobsters keeping order on the streets with extortion and cockney accented quips.  But I still smiled at soft caramel centered Arthur protecting his ladies of the night parental figures.  And then, I also rolled my eyes at Arthur learning protective chivalry from observing excessive violence towards women.  At least there were equal levels of opportunity to get punched in that montage, if it wasn't a prostitute getting hit, it was a child, or a teen, or a Shaolin monk.

Speaking of which, how interesting and cool is it to have 'Chinese George' just working at a kung fu school for wayward boys right in the middle of Londinium.  Some people would roll their eyes at the alleged 'historical innacuracies' and I say, the dragon that gave Uther Pendragon his power was a wyvern and not, as is seen on any fakey coats of arms designed for an equally fakey magical monarch, a drake.  But I don't hear many of you quibbling about that, do I?

And what a coincidence that there is an extra sexy Asian gladiator teacher man available for young Arthur to learn to fight like a warrior in the lean mean streets of domestic violence ridden Londinium? What is a rag tag boy to do if not fall into a life of ladding about, swiping noses and cockney rhyming slang.

And to be honest, I really don't mind it, trope-ish as that style of story telling seems to me.  What I did mind was that those street skills paid off only a little as the story progressed.
Ritchie loves making those kinds of exposition dialogue scenes.  It was a very cool gimmick in Sherlock Holmes in particular, since it allowed the audience to experience in a fun visual way, the kind of high level deduction and prediction Holmes exercised before getting onto a fight.
In this movie, it was meant to show Arthur's mastery at strategy and charisma when negotiating with people.
Its a shame we never got that kind of +10 charisma and bardic wordsmithery when he dealt with Vortigern, his enemy and moreso, his counterpart.  Instead we get meek, shambling shy boy, with a hint of tough sadness - slowly coming to terms with his manifest destiny.  All of which are not qualities that make this particular Arthur shine.
It would have been great to see more banter between himself and the Mage, and I wonder how much was edited out because you see the beginnings of some sort of rapport between the two and then it just vanishes into shadowy heartfelt conversations as they bandage each others' wounds - snore.

Speaking of the Mage.  The one primary female character in the movie has no name.  I find it intriguing and I feel I've spotted a pattern in Ritchie's more recent movies when it comes to portraying female characters.
Ritchie doesn't so much fridge female characters, he freeze dries them.  And I find that intriguing, as opposed to finding it problematic.
Anyway someone has likely written about the problematic bits in some other amazing critique and you should probably go read those.

But let me expand on the freeze drying.
In Snatch (otherwise know to me as - a Circus of Sausages; Cockney edition), Ma gets killed, spurring Backroom Boxer and marble swallower Mickey O'Neil (or, Brad Pitt in the worst 'Pikey' accent I've ever heard) to throw the fight.  I think there might be one more female character, who probably doesn't even talk in that movie. Otherwise, Snatch, as much I utterly love that movie, is a sausage fest the likes of which make me wonder sometimes if Guy Ritchie even knows what a female person even is.

Lock Stock pretty much borders on similar casting (aka - Another Circus of Sausages; Cockney edition - but more quotable.)

In Sherlock Holmes; a slight twist, the females are present and competent. Although yes, Irene dies in yet another moment of genuine Fridgidation (but likely studio meddling and inability to schedule/sign an appropriate contract).  And then there's Madame Simza, another capable, smart and plot important character.  And she's not even portrayed as a romantic or even sexualised female character - what a revelation.

If it weren't for Ritchie having to follow the plot of Aladdin almost beat for beat, Jasmine would have probably kicked Jafar in the nuts herself before starting her own trading company and founding a mercantile empire trading in embroidered silks and expensive bootleg manuscripts from Greece.  In that version, she'd hire Aladdin as a partner and every now and then, they'd probably have a little smooch or two before she'd get bored and sic Rajah on some schmuck who tried to sell her sub-standard nutmeg.

So ok, I exaggerate, Ritchie certainly knows how to make female characters stand out in his movies, its just that he doesn't do it often.  But I think that's just because his storytelling is extremely focused on trying to pick apart the mysterious 'sacred masculine'.

His movies are all about the relations of lad type dudes with other lad type dudes.  If you squint, there's tender moments of dude-esque camaraderie and friendship that I think Ritchie likes to portray in subtle ways.  If I squinted hard enough, I'd say a lot of it is a subtle homoerotic dig at exaggerated masculine tropes.  But that might be only because I've read too many Holmes/Watson slash fic (even before the movies) to think straight about this stuff (har har).

King Arthur: The Legend of the Sword - sort of does this, if it weren't for the bizarre pacing.  You get a close knit family of guys, Wet Stick and Black Lack, including his son Blue Boy.  They act as a small gang but also a family, especially with regards to the cute way they all seem to co-parent Blue Boy.

This is what you call - the 'Vulnerable tough guy' look

Of course, the kiddo also acts as a repeating metaphor reminding Arthur of his own lost youth. Symbolism and stuff, you know.
The same goes for the overtly heavy handed Nazi references when portraying Vortigern's freaky ass authoritarian rule.  There are moments of complexity that sometimes get touched on.  Like the not-so cold-heartedness of our main antagonist, who is willing to sacrifice the people he loves most for power, but not without showing the terrible grief he feels when doing so.
Ultimately, what makes him frightening is, like Marvel's Thanos,  is that his desire for power is stronger than his deep and genuine love for his wife and daughter.

Oddly, its what made Thanos even more terrifying to me.  There were arguments that Thanos (do i redact this? is this still a spoiler?) killing Gamora, was cheap and meaningless.  But I felt it was incredibly impactful.  Not even love, that he really genuinely felt for his daughter, could stop his horrible ambitions.  I am far more scared of a villain who knows the purity of love and still chooses evil than a heartless one, who wouldn't know any better.

The same vein of 'not-hard' masculinity (and i think what I am saying is: not toxic) is also reflected in the way we are introduced to the remainders of King Uther's knights.  When Arthur first meets Ser Bedivere (also can we please give Djimon Honsou his own starring role as a primary character in a hyper violent fantasy movie? like Holy shit, cast him as the cinematic Witcher, I wanna see him in a white wig), he is peeling eggs and behind him, Goose Fat Bill (Ser William) is also chopping herbs.

Its such a small scene but the two knights of the realm are preparing dinner for the collective bunch of rebels and refugees living i ntheir refuge. Its such a tiny detail but I noticed it almost immediately.  These big warrior men, nobles no less, are also the providers of nourishment and care for their people.  Its a domestic kind of masculinity that doesn't even seem out of place within the context of the movie.  I like these weird moments between the lads (because also, there are practically no ladies around) are supportive and 'tender' in their own ways towards one another.

Even the prostitutes, as little they are used outside of being the thing that Arthur cherishes and protects, are never, ever really sexualised.  They're well dressed, well kept, and their profession is not used as a clever ruse to say, seduce the watch guards, or as a way to show a little leg or boobie to make the movie look adult and gritty.  Its their job and nothing less. Even Lady Maggie, the somewhat nondescript lady in waiting at Vortigern's court, is not only a spy, but the only person outside of Arthur himself to completely expose and drag Vortigern with words alone.
Its a somewhat charming thing. Having said, there's still elements of tough guy machismo that are hard to deny and really, it's not my place to call it out with my limited vocabulary.  I still like his movies regardless.

Again, circling back to the primary female character of this movie, The Mage.  She is never objectified - not even in the weird flirty banter Arthur tries to engage her in. In fact, it falls so incredibly flat, that I wonder if that wasn't a hasty script rewrite.  The Mage borders on flat and sexless, but is supremely competent at her tasks, to the point where you wonder if she isn't manipulating certain events for her own goals to be expanded on in the now cancelled sequel.  Her relationship with Arthur is cool, they're strangers to one another but willing allies and their bond is forged from the Mage seeing him for what he really is without judgement, and her compassion for his fears is tempered by her ability to see the bigger picture and get things done.

I have no idea if actress Astrid Berges-Frisbey is just one of those quiet, strong, type actresses or whether her direction was deliberate on Ritchie's part.  She speaks so harshly and bluntly, but even in her softness, she is never a tropey tragic female character.

And then the movie turns into Dark Souls.  I wonder if Ritchie spent a month watching anime and playing the remainders on his Steam Play Library and finally got to Dark Souls.  He must have played at least 2 or 3 hours before giving up on how hard it is but overall enjoyed the aesthetic.

I still have no idea why Vortigern's (Jude Law) final super Saiyan form is a giant loinclothed skull helmeted guy on steroids.  I get that the 'ladies' of the watery keep granted him power to take the throne, but the random conversion to bulked up grim reaper is such a weird visual throwdown.
Throughout the entire movie, we have cool visual cues, harking to Roman, Celtic and many, many, many snakes and then suddenly; we get smoky caped Skeletor.  I would have preferred a souped up shadowy Jude Law shaped final form, rather than a large, confused viking with no shirt.

I don't have enough Estus Flasks for this

Visually however, it was a great film.  I love the callbacks to Londinium, placing Camelot as the new capital overshadowing the ruins of an ever evolving post-Roman city.  I love the confusing out of place and time visuals of everything else.  From the very, very snazzy tunics (I mean, really nice, did anyone see the pointy shoulders on the tabards? gorgeous), the random tower of Babel, the very plain and obvious symbolism of Arthur wearing white (because despite coming from the bottom, he is still noble and pure, get it?!?).  I love the use of a Giant World Eating Snake as the deus ex machina in the finale.  The gigantic and completely wacky War Elephants from effing space are probably one of the coolest and weirdest visual elements of the movie.

I am not, however, happy with Uther jumping his horse off a bridge just so he could climb one of those behemoths. But that's cause I love horses.

There's so much visual spectacle and obviously a lot of thought and care that went into the props and costuming - which is so much of my Jam its not even funny.

Ultimately though, this movie is still a bit of a burning garbage dump.  The editing is Ritchie at his most cliche and the pacing is horrific.  A lot of the things that made this movie very cool are pushed to the back to shine behind so much CG smokescreen.

I still watched this movie around 8 times.  Three times on repeat.

The soundtrack is also cliche, edgy folk rock with gritty metal and the Celtic Kings mixed together.  It is all blended together in a soundtrack that is trying to evoke something that one might imagine Celtic punk would look like.  But mostly, I feel, its a rip off of Zimmer.  But then everyone is doing that these days anyway. 

I don't know why I wrote an essay about a movie that I'm generally lukewarm to.  I have a soft spot for Guy Ritchie movies, and its mainly because I read too much homoeroticism in them so I have an excuse to look for for better written fanfic on AOOO.  That's what happens when your movies are complete sausage fests though.  I will make a casserole of it, I guess. (Oddly, I have never, and do not care to look up any fanfic for this movie, its simply not worth my time).

In the meantime Ritchie, please make Man from U.N.C.L.E 2.  Because holy shit, that is an amazing movie.  But I'll leave that for another time.

Hah - turns out, I'm still into movies, just really weird ones.

Stay safe, wear a mask.  Love y'all.

Also - since we just spoke about Arthurian legend.  I am incredibly bummed we wont get to watch the Green Knight this year, I saw this trailer about a year and a bit ago and I was stoked. Look at those visuals!!!!!!!!! (with the help of WETA studios).