Thursday, 9 June 2011

The official transcript of God's Judgement of Osama Bin Laden

So like, my homegirl, Mary, brought her iPhone to the event and got me this recording that she snuck under her mantle. Couldn't translate all of it on account of the BOSS' voice and presence being all super duper and all... but I did the best I could. I bet you the jokes were way funnier.
Gabriel: Hey Mick, D’you see who just got brought in?

Michael: Do I ever, I was the one who fished his soul out of the water. Tell you what though, it sure was hard beating them wandering infernal creatures back with a flaming sword. I gotta go bring her in for repairs now.

Gabriel: wandering infernal creatures?

Mich: Yeah – they were everywhere you know, getting all excited that their number one idol had the good grace of being dropped into their domain. I non blasphemously swear to you that it felt like I was fending off a bunch of 13 year old girls at a Justin Bieber concert.

Gab: Dude, I feel for you. As soon as the bullet cracked through the temporal bone of his skull, The BOSS immediately told me to hand deliver a memo to cousin Luc down stairs for a hold on the DSCP (Damned Soul Collection Procedure) and told him to bring him up for a board meeting stat.
Man, you should have seen Luc’s face when he read that, he looked like a kicked puppy. Can’t believe after all those millennia spent down there he is still so cute. I nearly fell for it.

Mich: Ha ha. That’s Luc for you. Kinda have to feel a bit sorry for him though. These past few years with all this fear and terror going about, you’d think he was enjoying it.

Gab: Yeah, he told me that more innocents were going to heaven than the guilty to Hell and he was having a hard time filling his quota, I also hear that he wasn’t actually –

Mich: Shhh, they’re coming into the Court of Divine Judgement now. Oh yeah, there’s Luc. Heya Cuz!

Lucifer: ‘Sup Micky. Ain’t seen you for a few centuries, you up for a spar after the meeting?

Mich: Gotta check my schedule, I don’t wanna have to warm up and then find out the Holy War was a prank, like last time. *eyeballs Lucifer*

Luc: Yeah, sorry about that. Thought it was a good idea at the time. It’s just that the Dark Ages were so boring.

Gabriel: Yeah, we saw how much fun you were having with the Inquisition too. All we got was procedural chaos, all these crusaders invoking our names incorrectly.

Raziel: Shut up guys, the meeting’s about to start.

Raphael: *Sits down next to Raziel* Sorry, I went to get some popcorn, you want some?

*remaining angels shuffle into place. Other snacks and beverages are distributed*

The Metatron: All stand and sing the highest of praises; be exultant and joyous; avert thine eyes (and multiple eyes thereof) and bow for the greatest, purest and mightiest of blessings. For The One, The Only, the Great Mother, The Almighty Lord, The Host of Hosts, The Giver of Life, Maker of the Universe, The All Compassionate, the –

The BOSS: I think that’s enough now Met Dear. Your brothers and sisters and other such siblings get the picture.

Metatron: But –

BOSS: No, really, I want to get started already, been waiting for this day for quite some time. Now go sit down, I don’t think I’ll be needing you to speak for Me for the rest of the hearing. Now, bring him in.

*murmurs as the soul of Osama Bin Laden is ushered in and sat down in front of The BOSS’s Desk*

*Bin Laden looks around, slightly dazed in the presence of The BOSS*

Bin Laden: *mumbling to himself* This must be where I get to claim my black eyed virgins, with like, a coupon or something.

BOSS: Well, do you have anything to say for yourself boy?

Bin Laden: *prostrates himself on the floor* My Lord! I have martyred myself to your glory at last!

BOSS: More like you finally cocked up. If you will pardon My Babylonian.

Bin Laden: But Oh Merciful Lord-

BOSS: Stop that! stop that! Merciful My shiny back side. Right now I Am all but.

Bin Laden: My Lord, I know that I am a sinner, but please remember my works were done in your name.

BOSS: Oh do stop it. You know what I hate more than people always grovelling? It’s this blatant unsanctioned reproduction, use and copying of My name in unauthorised acts. All these ‘martyrs’ killing all these people and themselves with My name in their heart and lips and all they get is a wallop of hellfire and brimstone. I can tell you, they certainly did not end up where they expected themselves to be.

Bin Laden: But Lord –

Michael: *stands up interrupting* You Swine! You have no right to even speak to the All Beloved in such a manner!

BOSS: All right, all right, calm down everyone, that was very sweet Mike dear, but don’t you ever insult pigs like that again, you hear Me? I Am the one conducting this interview thank you very much.

*Michael sits back down, looking sheepish*

BOSS: But you young man *points to Bin Laden*, can call Me… Mistress.

Bin Laden: Mistress O Lord?

BOSS: Yes, Mistress. Don’t give Me that look. Unlike you, I Am perfectly universal.

Bin Laden: Yes… Mistress

BOSS: Sticks to the back of your throat eh? That’s not the first thing you have completely misunderstood about Me.

Bin Laden: I have only ever done what your Divine Word has demanded of me and the rest of the world.

BOSS: And what is that pray tell?

Bin Laden: Exult your name, unify the Islamic world, punish the heretics, cleanse the planet of the Western Satanic Taint!

BOSS: Well, I daresay you have not done a very good job of it.

Bin Laden: My Lord! er… Mistress!

BOSS: No, I have had enough! You listen here. You see this! *waves a fat manila folder in the air*, we had to make this just for you, and this is only one of them! There are followers of yours too, who are taking up whole shelves in Accounts. None of the admins wanted to work on you. They said you were a bureaucratic, dogmatic, philosophical, psychological and spiritual nightmare. I sent this file to Hell and even Luc here couldn’t make head or tails of what you were on about.

*Lucifer shrugs*

BOSS: You dare declare a holy war?! Without My endorsement, nor without even so much as asking? Do you know how annoying that was for Michael to start dismantling all our End Of Days Alerts? I had to manually shut them all down in the end. No one among the Thrones and The Amesha Spentas were willing to start suiting up for a war in the first place. And I would be pretty not-damned if I had to pull them out of retirement just to get them to fight on behalf of your sorry little…bottom.

Bin Laden: So, you were not fighting our war?

BOSS: Of course not! I wasn’t on your side, or anyone else’s for that matter! My gracious hand did not hover over you and I certainly Am not, I repeat AM NOT pleased with your blanket statements regarding your fellow sinners, the Americans, or Europeans, or the Saudi Royal Family or the rest of the corrupt and sinful world.
Since when did I ever start playing favourites when I created every. single. last. one. of. you. in. My. image?

Bin Laden: But I thought-

BOSS: Thought what? I’d be happy? Happy?! With the wholesale murder of My creations? Did you think I would agree with you? That all men, women and children are as much fair game as any other? Did I not say that; where is that piece of paper? Did I not say unto Moses as he called upon Me upon the Holy Mount of Sinai - (that’s not it, *riffles papers* ah, here it is, stuck to the communiqué from Job) – ahem, ONE: THOU SHALT NOT KILL and so on and so forth. There is a perfectly not-damned good reason I put that on to the top of the list you know. And no one obeys it!

Bin Laden: But so many of your children have been killed by the heretics and the non-believers, they too have sinned!

BOSS: Don’t tell Me what I already know, I Am sparklingly omnipotent! And I shall judge them all accordingly, in their errors, in their blasphemies and in their corruption. But here is the news flash. It is for ME to decide humanity’s fate, not yours!

Urgh, that’s what really drives me up the wall. My Oath – the assumption that I Am some gung-ho, lightning and thunder, strike thee down with great and mighty vengeance type all the time. I don’t decide to create a universe with a trillion, billion million stars and planets only to go around stomping on My creations cause I’m a prissy deity. Gautama, didn’t we discuss this last week? Am I a violent and prissy deity?

Gautama: Of course not your Everything-ness, you are all compassionate. In your infinite and unnamable, unattainable, and indescribable forms etc and all that.

BOSS: Right. But I haven’t brought you here just because you orchestrated the deaths of thousands of my children. It isn’t just for 9/11, that was the tip of the ice-berg, you have indirectly contributed to the murders of so many of my own in Iraq, in Afghanistan, Pakistan, Kenya, the Philippines, Indonesia, Spain, Morroco, look, the list keeps getting longer and longer. You’ve even had a hand in deaths in Russia and China, possibly even Colombia. You’re a quite busy boy I tell you.

Soldiers, fighting in battles and wars that shouldn’t have begun, mothers weeping for their fallen children, boys and girls being sent to their deaths in the name of an idea that you have made take root in the minds and hearts of every breathing being, Terror. You have made killers out of the righteous and turned the righteous into monsters and it is going to take more than you leaving that earthly plane to fix this mess you’ve created.

But that isn’t the only reason I wanted to have a word with you, son.

Do you know how many minds you’ve poisoned? How many people who have become deaf to Me? How many people you have painted over with so much hate that I Am so scared that I can never reach them and bring them home? They speak My words, from the Torah, the Koran, the Bible and they turn them into weapons, and suddenly everything that I Am is used to hurt and maim your fellow humans. Uriel was crying for months! Look at his eyes, they’re still puffy.

Uriel: *Sniffs*

BOSS: You have single handedly destroyed the reputation of one of My youngest monotheisms within the span of just a few hours. And on top of that, you have opened old wounds among so many of the other religions. I have no idea how My children will even be able to fix this. So many people insulted and judged because of their beliefs. Beliefs I tell you that are the same as any other!

Do you know how hard I have worked to manifest myself to my children, in my many faces, in my millions of forms? And here you are making everyone hate each other because the truth to you is not the truth to others?

Bin Laden: But they were Blaspheming! They were not worthy of your regard oh Lor-Mistress, they could not see your Might and Power, they were disobeying you! I could not stand by and do nothing, they deserved to be punished!

BOSS: There he goes again, insulting my good honour, do you see it Gab? I mean, you were there, I gave you the instruction, When I spake unto Mohammed (blessed be his name) about My works and glory did I tell him that he had free reign to start killing willy nilly everyone else who disagreed with him?

Gabriel: Nope, I mean, there was the whole, ‘I Am the one and only, this is the true faith and one must spread it and defend it’ etc etc, I think I have transcript if you like -

BOSS: Never mind the transcript, I remember everything perfectly. But yes. See, this is how I showed Myself to him and unto you and your brethren. And Yes, I AM MIGHTY, and Yes, I Am powerful, and yes, I can smite whoever I not-damn well please if they well and truly get Me all aflame with heavenly rage.

I DO NOT SANCTION VIOLENCE DONE IN MY NAME, LET ALONE VIOLENCE IN GENERAL! Any incidence where it is said that I have done so is incorrect and I will have them for slander. Remember what I said to Moses? Oh we mentioned it already? right.

Bin Laden: But you are the Destroyer, the Bringer of Death to the unbeliever!

BOSS: Ooh, he’s doing it again, My infinite patience is becoming mortally finite with you young man!

Don’t you dare use My 99 Holy Names against me, Islam may quote those 99 names but you well know My names are infinite! Do you remember the top two? Because like the Ten Commandments there is a not-damn good reason why certain things are on the top of these lists you mortals so love making. Can you recite my first two names?

Bin Laden: *mumbles*

BOSS: Speak up boy!

Bin Laden: The Exceedingly Compassionate, The Exceedingly Merciful…

BOSS: that’s right, and do you remember number five?

Bin Laden: The Peace, The Source of Peace and Safety.

BOSS: Correct, and let’s not forget number 45, The Vast, All-Embracing and Boundless, something your tiny mind cannot even begin to comprehend. And let’s not forget 32, the Forebearing and Indulgent.

Did you really think that I Am not as displeased of My other children as you were? With all their injustice and cruelty to their fellows and the rest of My creation? I Am aware of My children’s sins and I shall judge them accordingly when the time comes

Don’t you ever dare assume you know My ways and My heart, you and the rest of your fundamentalist compatriots. And I Am not just talking about Islamic Fundamentalism. You and the rest of them, the Christian Fundamentalists, Jewish ones, heck, there’s Hindu and Pagan ones too you know, all sorts of Fundamentalists crawling out of the woodwork. Fanatics, all the same. They take my words and use them to inspire fear and intolerance like that was my only purpose in my eternal life.

Between the folks who think that I Am so PETTY that I’d send My child to burn in hell just because they are attracted to someone of the same sex or gender, or those people who think that I would mass murder swathes of people using a natural disaster as some sort of perverse, divine punishment (I told you I wouldn’t do it again, I keep My promises).

You and your kind, taking my holy books and waving them like battle banners rather than using them to teach and learn, so full of so much narrow-mindedness and arrogance to think that My Perfect Heart would have room to hate.

Yes, I Am the Bringer of Death (61), because I Am the Giver of Life (60), and I Abase (22) as much as I Exult (23). But remember this, I may be the Judge (28) – but I Am NOT Judgemental. I may be Terrible in my Might and Fury, but I Am NOT malicious, and I Am never, never, never unkind.

Bin Laden: It was Satan then! He misguided me! Oh Mistress it is his fault!

Luc: *raises hands* Hey, don’t look at me! Much to my great and sulphurous chagrin, you were a total freebie, I did not lift a finger to turn you, yo. All that crazy you came up with yourself. Too much zeal I reckon, with a touch of sociopathy, which miiiight have been me, a bit.

BOSS: I know Luc, stay out of it, let Me deal with him.

Luc: Sorry BOSS

Bin Laden: But I was murdered Mistress! You saw how they did away with me! How they just tossed me away with no respect – you can at least give me that.

BOSS: Yes, I saw, and let Me tell you I am not entirely happy about how that went about, and I will be having words with someone eventually. But truth will out – I made humans capable of thinking freely didn’t I? You can see how people are reacting already. And, I think I’ve said it before, they too, shall get their time before Me to explain their actions.

But that gives you no excuse for your sad and tragic life. So much I gave you! So much! And what do you do? You spread this, this, DISEASE all around the world. So much ignorance, so many people getting so many misguided ideas about all sorts of things. Do you know how appalled I was during the slavery years, or even Apartheid? And it still happens today, why couldn’t you do something about that? Do you know how…? - what is that terrible term young people are using, making themselves look more moronic and illiterate with each use?

Gab: er WTF BOSS?

BOSS: That’s the one, awful, really. I grant them gifts of song and speech, and what do they do? Make acronyms. Do they even realise how complex I made those vocal chords to be? Anyway, yes…

WTF! Do you know how WTF I was when all these ignoramus started running around victimising people who wore turbans or head covers. I mean, really? REALLY? I have no idea where they get these ideas from. Luc, whatever it is that you did there, its working amazingly well because I have never seen so much senseless prejudice. I mean; skin tone? Really? That bothers people? Would you prefer I made you all grey? What about religious beliefs? Its all going back to Me anyway. Personal opinion? What colour nail polish you use? I mean, REALLY?

Metatron: Uh, BOSS, I think you’re getting all ranty again… and… your chair is on fire.

BOSS: *looks down at flaming chair* Oh, sorry, sorry. You know how it is, it’s all I can do not to “strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers” (Ez 25:17).

*Meanwhile Bin Laden is pretty much cowering on the floor and attempting to hide himself behind the skirts of the Metatron*

Metatron: Ewww, gerroff! *shakes him off*

BOSS: Get up you simpering child, all that cowering has come a bit too late. It is time for Me to lay judgment upon thy immortal soul.

*sits up in Great and Holy Chair, lightning sparks and loud trumpets sound, The BOSS’ voice booms loudly across the aeons and great vastness of the universe and other verses *

BOSS: Osama Bin Mohammed Bin Awad Bin Laden, I have known your soul and your acts in your mortal days, I have known you before your birth and before your being.

You have hurt My heart and My creation and you have sinned unto yourself. You have failed to be the least that I ask of you, which is to be a decent and good human being.
I thus judge you according to My Divine Will:

*the BOSS stands up*

*All the hosts of heaven stand*


*angelic choirs*

*thunder, lighting, earth rending, shattering echoes*

*a duck*

=This transmission has been interrupted due to cosmic flows becoming unbalanced and technical issues in making the BOSS’ almighty voice hearable to mortal ears without rending the earth asunder or vaporizing human brains and causing angels to sing and demons to weep and Feglori of the 2nd Green Constellation Space Zoomers to loose trajectory, thus crashing into Jupiter’s nuclear dust storm infested surface and creating a radioactive flare that may or may not cause Neptune to fall out of orbit.=


~ Are you tired of feeling irrationally angry when you see or hear something you don’t like? Sick of having pedagogic arguments with your neighbors over trivial issues, such as how many angels can dance on the head of a pin? Are you left with feelings of helplessness and despair when you cannot understand your point of view daily matters such as whether Andy Warhol is a revolutionary artist or whether Lady Gaga is a talented musician with really weird hair?

Fear not! We have the perfect product for you!

Introducing: Respect!

Respect lets you listen and witness debates and conflicting theories without the need to fly into a murderous rage!
Respect gives you time to digest a conversation without interrupting or not listening to the other side. (and it is also a great source of [moral] fiber!)
Respect allows you be secure in your own beliefs and opinions and also know that the other has every right to theirs too!
Respect helps you see people as equals regardless of their origins!

Try Respect now!

For a limited time only – with every use of Respect you also get Open Mindedness, for FREE

You can use this innovative product to get rid of unwanted pests such as:

- Bigotry
- Denial
- Intolerance
- Anal Retention (see your doctor if symptoms persist, as it could be prostate cancer, just saying.)

Respect – its common sense, try it today!~


*the Great Court of Divine Judgement is half empty. There are a few candy wrappers and a half eaten bowl of popcorn on the vacated seats, the Metatron is taking a few handfuls of it and stuffing it down his toga pocket (and his mouth) to eat later. Some angels have remained to have a word with the BOSS. Osama Bin Laden has already been taken away, presumably.*

Whoa BOSS, that was…

Uriel: Yeah, wasn’t expecting that, I mean, not that I have objections or anything, since I have no free will and all, but you know… like, wow. That was amazing in its awe inspiring and terrible wisdom, oh dear, I think I’m going to cry again.

Luc: *sniffing* Yeah, even made me feel… you know, complete repentance and undying love for you.

BOSS: Really?

Luc: Well, no. Not really. But it would have been nice right? Sometimes I do miss the warmth of your all embracing bosom.

Mich: Oi Luc, avert thine eyes from the Almighty’s breasts, its rude to stare.

Luc: I know its rude, that’s why I’m doing it.

BOSS: *sighs* Nonetheless, My beard is up here if you don’t mind. Now – this is going to be a team effort, so I hope you all read the operations manual I’ve prepared to deal with him ok?

Angels: Yes BOSS

BOSS: Ok good. Now, I’m supposed to Manifest in India in a few hours so I need to prepare My Elephant visage in time so I expect you all to get to it. And Lucifer?

Luc: Yes BOSS?

BOSS: Clean your mess up, there is filth and despair in the wake of your steps, the Metatron just finished cleaning this place on Monday.

The Metatron: *face full of stale popcorn* mmfff mmfff!
Lucifer: Heh, sorry BOSS, you know me, beauty on the outside, rotten on the inside.

BOSS: Well, ok. I’m out of here. You kids get along ok? I don’t want a repeat of the Hitler and the gallon of toothpaste incident ok?

Angels: Ok, BOSS, Bye BOSS!

*The BOSS leaves the Court but the BOSS’ omnipresence remains*

Uriel: *sniff* I miss the BOSS alreadyyyyyyyy *cries*

Gabriel: I know kid, I know. Let’s get you some hot chocolate.

Uriel: thanks Gab.

Transmission Stopped.

wait, that’s it?

TL:DR - Haters shouldn't hate. And God has got some mad Swagger.

PS - When I wrote this - it seemed a lot funnier. But I pretty much reckon I can't translate Angelic properly without resorting to metaphysics.