Some people are calling it a respect gap

There’s a lot to get off my chest, today is fitting.  I know, I’m being preachy, even patronising at times.  I have re-written this 5 times because, yeah, I know what I’m like.  But sometimes, you speak out and would you look at that, I’m already apologising for my opinions.  So, just try not to roll your eyes too hard, just a bit.  It’s hard in the era of 150 characters or less, but let’s try and give it a go.  Also, before some of you get in with your ‘yeah but’s’ and ‘whatabouts’ – I hear you.  Keep reading because guess what, it gets addressed, and I can only hope I can make it all make some sense for you.

Feminism is an ‘F’ word now, because Feminazis are going to steal everyone’s penises and fly us all to the moon, where BBQs are banned and you can only eat sourdough and avocado, or something.  Because an angry woman who is so done with the world is shrill, and extremist, and most of all wrong. /s (You ever wonder what happened to make her so mad?).  I can't even begin to scratch the surface of this issue - there's so much to say and oh so much more work to do.  

I'm not talking about misandry, or man-hating, that is not feminism.  That is anger, irrational and unhelpful.  

Feminism is (at least the way I was taught it), as my psychology teacher at university described it, put simply; the understanding and appreciation* of femininity.  Sounds simple, but it encompasses much. Sure there's political over and undertones, but to me, this definition crystallizes its essence succinctly.

(*definition - recognition and enjoyment of the value of / the full understanding of a thing)

In a world where our history and society has structured itself to uphold masculinity (in all its positive and negative tropes) as the highest ideal for running the world; feminism asks us to consider that there is an equally powerful and competent strength in femininity too.  It shouldn’t be diminished or pushed into its allocated corner simply because it’s different – it should be merged and used just as much and even more, especially in times where many problems in society are borne from a world history of patriarchal world views. 

It can be as simple as that.  Feminism protests and fights and snaps and snarls and bites back and that is not a problem.  It is a problem for those who would feel threatened by it, because perhaps those who benefit from the status quo don’t understand they have so much more to gain from feminism than lose.  

Feminism reminds us that it is utterly and absolutely unacceptable that a large chunk of women who are murdered around the world are more often than not, murdered by men specifically.  These men are also often family members or partners.  This isn’t some gang shooting, this isn’t war, it isn’t just petty theft or crime, it is the killing of a person that comes more easily to some because the victim happens to be female. 

So, your first ‘what about’ would be – men are also victims of domestic abuse, and gender based attacks (and of course, murder).  Absolutely true. 

They’re perhaps not killed in the same numbers though it is also likely under reported, especially regarding domestic violence, but just because it happens less often it doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter. 

But it does mean that because (toxic) masculine tropes demean men who are victimised as being weaker; demand that men be capable of standing up to and overpowering their partners; that they wear the pants; grow a pair; and certainly not let some ‘weak’ woman get one over him – that domestic violence against men is diminished in the conversation because men should never be perceived as needing protection. 

And even then, domestic abuse against women is also under reported.  Because women are meant to bear their lot in life in silent dignity; because a woman is out on the street with no one to support her if she went against the norm; because she’s not strong enough to fight back; because, many times, she is also caring for her children and there always is the threat that they will be victimised too; and worse of all; she must have done something to deserve it.

We are 10 weeks into 2019 and Australia has already suffered 11 murders of women from domestic/gendered violence.  This included a woman being found stuffed in a suitcase after having been stabbed more than 20 times by her ex-boyfriend. 

Feminism reminds us that women and female sexuality are not things to be used and bandied about like so much confetti at a party.  Our reproductive bits, or our desire for pleasure and intimacy should always be ours to control, and not to be used at the mercy and pleasure of men only, with or without our consent.  And men should be allowed, without fear of somehow being less manly, to explore their own sexuality as freely and consensually without harm to anyone.

Because rape, sexual abuse and harassment is as common for women and girls as a summer breeze and god forbid that having a female body, be it wrapped in clothing or not, means you are fair game to the male gaze.

Here is our second ‘what about’ – men get raped too.  Absolutely true.

Again, perhaps not in the same numbers, and likely also under reported. Because… well, see my first point.  

Because toxic masculinity demands that men should swing their dicks around like a powerful machine gun with rocket propellers, and a beer dispenser (?); because hurr durr, am I right fellas?; because sex is power and a virile man is a stallion but a woman must either be a virgin or a ‘slut’ and both are equally bad unless it suits the sexual narrative; because what, are you gay or something? (because being a pussy or a fag is terrible thing); because male rape is supposedly rare and if it happens to a man it is a mark of weakness, and god forbid another man or woman should ever overpower another man to have that happen to them.  

Wow, this all sounds so familiar. 

Again, (this entire thing feels like a practice in tautology) – sexual assault against women is also under reported even though it is still more prevalent.  So prevalent that it is the background radiation of a woman’s life.  It is a side effect of conflict and war, it is a dubious night out on the town.  It is a partner who won’t take no for an answer.  It is every shirt, skirt and pair of jeans that they’ll ever buy because anything a girl or woman wears might mean she was asking for it.  It is walking home pretending to be on the phone (and as we’ve seen, that doesn’t stop some people) because it is apparently way too much for a woman to ask to just be able to go home at night like a normal person without requiring self-defence lessons and a 5 stage personal security system.

Feminism reminds us that when someone says that ‘boys will be boys’, that person is doing men a disservice just as much as they are dismissing real, terrible grievances against women.  When boys are just being boys, we imply that men are savages who are utterly incapable of being decent human beings.  We imply that they’ve evolved to disrespect half of the world’s population because of their gender.  We imply that even though boys get the money and the power, they are still animals who are too dumb to know any better (and that this is ok). 

Feminism reminds us that emotions, be they felt by men or women, are human and universal.  They should not be tamped down because boys don’t cry, or that girls get hysterical.  The human experience is viewed through different lenses but they’re no less important to either gender.  The gross under reporting of mental health issues among both genders means we will continue to bash our brains out and suffer in silence. 

Feminism celebrates female empowerment.  When women help each other and draw strength from one another other, they create powerful networks of support that can also be used to support men.  Men also have those networks in their own masculine circles, but these are discussed and explored less when they too may have their own ways to help empower themselves and women around them without being patronising.

Feminism reminds us that children can be parented by any parent.  Women are biologically given the keys to this car (and yes, of course we're amazing at it) but that load can be shared when everyone is given the right mindset and tools to parent the next generation.  Men should not feel embarrassed or worried to ask for parental leave because he’ll lose credibility or damage his career.  Because that would imply that when mothers take parental leave they do so because it is their natural lot in life anyway, and their careers don’t matter as much as that of men (and hence why we get paid less for the same work).  These ideas will also open up debates about custody, an issue that is very fraught and complicated, but it is one that should be had.  
And yes, we still have current examples of strong matriarchal traditions that have survived through the ages and we should maybe learn more from them rather than diminish them.

Even here, we’ve only dipped a finger into the value of feminism and what it does to empower women who have been culturally taught that their place is separate and on a lower level to men.  And moreso, feminism can merge with and renew masculinity, offering men new avenues and perspectives that are healthy and empowering for them too. 

We have young women finishing high school and university in greater numbers and with higher scores and yet, those numbers don’t transfer into the workforce.  As an example last year, we have Tokyo University accused of having deliberately underscored exam results for women studying medicine to discourage them from becoming doctors. (I mean, it’s a lose lose situation because it just generally means having less doctors all round.)

We have high infant mortality rates in countries where women are denied an education because a mum who cannot do something as simple as read a medical prescription, or instructions on a piece of paper is less likely to care for her child in the best way she can.  Further, these women are denied an education because they’ve been relegated to the role of wife/mother/slave who, on top of that, is not even properly equipped to play the role that was forced upon her. 

We have boys being humiliated and bullied for wearing skirts and dresses or wearing nail polish.  Because in the words of that one Madonna song, being a girl is degrading.  

We have toxic masculine norms unable to bend and evolve with our understanding of gender and sexuality, which is fluid and beautiful in its infinite variety.  The rigidity leads to emotional conflict that rarely gets resolved efficiently because see point (a) above, a man must be straight, ramrod in every way and inflexible to breaking point.

The issue is, most women are feminists.  It’s a no brainer.  We want to achieve the things in life that we know we can achieve.  We rail against the fact that we get held back even when we work so incredibly, bone numbingly hard.

We receive this strange treatment from the other half of our society who, consciously or not, keep telling us in action and behaviour that, because we are different, we deserve less.  Instead, we get told to let the men take care of us, let the men do the work, the innovation, the invention, hell, let them protect women and their delicate flowery bodies even as they’re used and harmed. Because apparently its still 1950 and god forbid we learn to share the load of running the planet a bit more.  

For me, I ask: why that resistance, the whatabout’s, the #notallmen, the well, as a man, I have also been victimised arguments?  

Is that not a realisation, a moment of clarity and understanding? this is what it must be like all the time for so many women, and since you know how it feels, it is important to stand together and make it better for all of us? 

I write this ‘rant’ with the ‘masculine’ audience in mind.  I don’t need to tell women these things, they know it, they live it.  But men, you beautiful, wonderful other half of this planet; you have so much to gain from standing side by side with us.  Outside of our gendered tropes, outside of the standard relationships that you expect from one another – women, no, feminism, and all the different ways of thinking that it could introduce you to will only give you more, not less. 

And before the #notallmen.  We know, generalisation is harmful (and we're not that stupid), but so is constant denial.  It is enough men, it is certainly enough toxic masculinity that it is ruining it for all of us.  We cannot afford this for our daughters and sons.  We have so many problems that need to be solved and they can only be solved if we’re all at the table together.  All of us, in our huge, wondrous variety (because humanity is a minestrone soup of deliciousness and not a filing cabinet to sort).

We don’t need to be fridged or put on pedestals, we have been fighting this good fight for longer than we can remember and yes, we’ve always been this angry (but we were told to be prim and demure so no one ever noticed). Close the respect gap, and the rest will follow.