Monday, 12 January 2015

2014 - Up and Down - Welcome to the Badassery of 2015

I was supposed to write a fanciful long winded entry about my awesome month long trip to Spain. 

I'll be honest, I haven't even extracted the photos from my phone and camera yet. Is it because I'm lazy? 

Yes, duh.

Instead - let us have a happy new year article that is way too long and requires more gifs.

I also went to PAX – I got sick.  But it has ignited a fire in me for the love of Arhkam Horror… yes E, we're playing that game, its our mission to get it right.

But yeah

2014 – I promised more entries and more fun and more stuff.  As usual, life got in the way.

Now – I am going to disclaimer here.  I will most likely sound like a drama queen.  I hope it isn't because I am an actual drama queen but more because I have a writing style that makes me sound like a drama queen.  I like to think of myself as sensible and most likely, a bit pretentious in thinking that because I am curious and intellectual, it falsely makes me some sort of authority in… I don't know, fancy ass blog writing.

I am not.  But I do like to write, thinking that my writing style is fancy and meaningful and super-duper pretentious.

But this has been an amazing year.

I managed to create first successful and super popular line of resin antler headpieces.  I went to Spain, and now I am chock full of things and ideas and places and stuff to go, see and do.

I also fell, tits over ass, in love and had a wonderful relationship.  I do not regret it.

I lost that love in the most unexpected way as well.  I still don’t regret it, it just makes me wistful.  I wish it had ended on a better note.  I was devastated and probably broken up more than I should be.  Maybe I still am, and am hiding behind a thin veneer of sassy-black-lady-ness.

At least, for the first time in my life, I funally understand why girls LOVE Taylor Swift and Katy Perry can be empowering when you're swimming in your own tears.
This is Taylor Swift... right? 
Up and down, up and down.

I also got so ridiculously sick with a sudden wave of uncontrollable, muscle locking, appetite reducing, brain meltingly bad depression.  Even now, I feel like despite the fact that I feel like I'm back to my old self again – I have a sneaky feeling that there is this little evil little creature in my head, waiting for me to drop my guard again.

And seriously, that annoyed me, because I don't want this thing in my head to control my life and dictate my behavior, it is the dumbest excuse for not wanting to go work, because I need the frigging money and staring at a computer for 8 hours while looking miserable won't hurt anyone (except it can give you migraines, take breathers people – and BLINK).  I am greater than the sum of my parts and depression is such a small part of who I am.  Fuck it (pardon my French), seriously, fuck that lying son of a bitch making me feel sorry for my own ass when I could be out there being awesome.

Up and down, up and down.

I am also trying a startup business in making homemade tea blends.  I am discovering that I have a tendency to put in too much orange zest in everything.

I am playing the violin again
                                                               Ambition level: Ultra


I have enrolled in scuba diving classes

I intend on riding horses again

I am painting and doing crafts every weekend (well... sort of, is scrubbing the bathroom floor artistic?)

Babysitting

Lost weight from going insane over exercise

Bought way too many training sports bras and jogging shorts

Saving up for a mermaid tail
One day...
Going to Fiji for a wedding!

Having a fit of tears on a daily basis (it has been 1 day without incident - to be fair, I was listening to Rufus Wainwright)

Instead of feeling hungry, I always get nauseous

No longer have an obsession with leggings (unless they're for running)

Up and down, up and down.

Have the world's longest backlog of Steam games (good news everyone, I'm finally almost finished with the Witcher 2, and only 2 years late!)

I haven't re-started WoW yet, I fear I may never get out again

I can't watch certain TV shows or listen to certain kinds of music because they trigger something in me that makes me feel afraid or sad and I really don't know why.  I'll sort it out eventually because its just silly to be triggered.

All in all – its been quite the year.  And despite that my heart, my silly, naïve, giving too much of myself heart, feels completely and utterly shattered – I feel happy.

Call me inexperienced, naïve, too kind (I don’t think so), but I guess this is something we all go through as humans.  And it was arrogant of me to think that because I was willing to give everything to someone, that I wouldn't experience the pain of inexplicable loss too.

Sometimes we get hurt.  Its totally fine.  It’s a reminder to not ever do it to others in return.

And more importantly, its just one small step in life. 

It doesn't feel like it sometimes, but it is and we all gotta learn or we are no different from amoebas.  Well, we probably are, on account that we are not single celled organisms and such. 

But I will never stop learning. 

I have also recently learned, that I have to always stick to the guns that I believe in, and never back down. 

For a moment, I lost my integrity, forgave things that shouldn't be forgiven.  (Well, forgiveness is good, but it has to be given in a certain way – hard to explain).  And then remembered that there are injustices in this world I need to fight.  Because the one thing I have in spades is a capacity to burn with righteous indignation.
IN. SPADES.

So yes, BLACK LIVES FUCKING MATTER and its so stupid that I, a half-white/half-everything else person from the other side of the planet is looking on in horror at this blatant and obvious and SO MUCH MORE COMPLICATED THAN WE CAN IMAGINE ISSUE and not think; 'Christ, these are the guys who give us Martin Luther King Jnr, Eleanor Roosevelt and Abraham Mother Fucking Lincoln, Google and Wikipedia, and they still have people who treat other people like…. 'other' because they actually believe in the idea of 'other'.'

I am tired of being told to suck it up, and that is the internet for you, and yes – GAMERGATE MAY TOUCH UPON THE SMALL ISSUE OF VIDJA GAMES JOURNALISM (yeah so, important in the grand scheme of things) BUT THAT DOES NOT EXCUSE THE ABSOLUTELY FILTHY AND ABHORRENT BEHAVIOUR OF ITS PROPONENTS AND FUCKING EVERYONE ELSE ON BOTH SIDES. 
Remember – this is a shit fight about video games.  VIDEO GAMES, and if you find that ethical considerations in video games are somewhat more important than treating people decently then perhaps you need to take a seriously hard look at yourself in the mirror. 
Let's just make fun of each other for silly things.  Silly things are great.
Worse, if anyone feels that it is somehow some sort of impingement upon their own identity then remember this – you must be some small minded fucking tiny brained person to wrap your entire identity around this subject.  Liking something, loving something, being obsessed with something, does not make you that thing and if you've decided that the only box you want to live in is the 'gamer' box.  The good fucking luck surviving in the real world.

And guess what ISIS; this lazy, Steam playing, antler wearing, makeup obsessed, Terry Pratchett loving, swimming, violining, ranting, naïve, heartbroken, sensible, logical, angry, happy, getting old faster than she imagined, half one thing and half everything else female is COMING AFTER YOU.

And the same goes to you drug lords and corrupt cops killing kids, and the same goes for anyone else who thinks they have the right to lord it over other people and hurt them.

And Paris, I am with you, I am Charlie, I am Ahmed, I am the 43 students killed by Mexican drug lords because they dared to speak out, I am 8 little babies stabbed to death by their own mother.  I am all those people wrapped in blankets, dead from Ebola and ignored because the disease is no longer affecting first-worlders, I AM MALALA, AND YOU CAN NEVER COW ME.


The Sam Vimes in me is awake and summoning the dark, and I may only know how to blog, or study, or make fancy resin head-gear, and I don’t know how I will do it, but I will and I will do everything in my ability to find a way to make sure that you are HUNTED DOWN AND GOTTEN RID OFF.

Because we landed a fucking probe on an asteroid;

Because some guy in a lab invented a tentative cure for ebola;

Because Einstein told Marie Curie to ignore the haters;
TL:DR - My main Lady Curie, them haters be whiney bitches.  Your shit is da bomb.  Haters gonna hate, keep playin the game.  Hugs and Kisses, your bro in the science hood - Albert E,

Because sometimes I feel so fucking tiny and stupid and useless that I cannot help of dreaming of superheroes;

Because the sky is so ridiculously fucking beautiful when there is no light pollution;

Because 'fuck' is an amazing word to imply exaggeration and also naughty things;

Because I have the most beautiful nieces and nephews and I want them to know that it is always worth fighting for a cause that helps other people outside of liking a stupid and useless facebook status;

Because the only thing I can control in this amazing, beautiful and sad world is what I can do for it;

Because we have to try and be that little bit less shitty as human beings and not be satisfied with swimming in our own muck just because sometimes, things are bigger than us.

So, whatever it is that I can do, I will do…

I don’t know how much of an impact that will leave, but I'll do it anyway.  There can never be any harm in doing the right thing, and when it is does do harm, take it, because it is something worth fighting for.

And I'll make sure that I will have an amazeballs 2015. 

And I will do whatever I can to make sure you guys have an amazeballs 2015.

And after having re-read this entry a few times, I realize that not only is this very dramatic… it escalates hilariously quick.

I sound like a one woman army armed with craft glue and a lot of big words.  I most likely am – thankfully the internet is a place I can shout loudly on and fade into at the same time.

But I am just a drama queen and at the very least I have entertained you. If not, let me have inspired you to join my trying-to-be-useful-army.  Hell, make your own, build a fucking fort of righteous little acts of do-gooding and even better, do-awesomeing. 

Forgive, don’t forget, and keep trucking.  And remember, do things that don’t hurt other people, be it in buying t-shirts and coffee or just trying to give back.  Everything we do always affects someone else.  It is time we lived our lives with eyes a bit more open, even if sometimes the harm cannot be fully helped, wilful ignorance, or worse, intentional apathy, hurts even more (heck, fair trade food is hard to find and ethical clothing is expensive).

I have no idea where this article has taken me....

Stay gorgeous and shiny everyone – I think I need a lie down (I ate too much avocado last night).


Maybe I should make blog entries composed entirely of bullet points.

Thank you and good night.

And now for something completely different:



2 comments:

  1. Worse, if anyone feels that it is somehow some sort of impingement upon their own identity then remember this – you must be some small minded fucking tiny brained person to wrap your entire identity around this subject. Liking something, loving something, being obsessed with something, does not make you that thing and if you've decided that the only box you want to live in is the 'gamer' box. The good fucking luck surviving in the real world. - heh, harsh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But I guess if giving up on an identity is easy we'd all do it.

      Delete

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